Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Congratulations! We have a period
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
