No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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