Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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