I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
