just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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