dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
