trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
