Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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