Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
