Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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