it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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