I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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