8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
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As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
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The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.