Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
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The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
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Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.