hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
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