Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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