The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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