I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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