my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
