We named our party play list daddy issues
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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