The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Randomize
