Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
