all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
This is my gift to your gina
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
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