Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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