You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
