I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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