So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
