And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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