Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
