I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
