so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
NoShamevember. You game?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
