The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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