went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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