so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
