Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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