Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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