do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
