I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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