why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
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i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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