Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
