I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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