I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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