There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
