every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
