I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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