I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
