I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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