Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
