This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
3 2 1 whiskey
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
