im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
