shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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