your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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