Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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