All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
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during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
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Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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