I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
