I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
