The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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