Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
