She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
