I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
